2/28/2023
- large rectangle, small width
- white acrylic w last layer of gesso
- can u still create texture with a lack of color?

3/10
steven parrino
"And I think that the picture isn't pre-formed, I think it is formed as it is made; and it might by anything." - Jasper Johns

3/27
my work does not need to satisfy me in order to be successful. i feel as though my recent work has not pleased me. i am not displeased, but not as happy as I feel when I view art. thinking abt it now, the art I love to see is never my art. the idea of myself as a contemporary painter from the perspective of an art historian is quite perplexing. i constantly think about people of the past - cassatt, David, cole, courbet - yet I make modern art. my work does not appear to me to have their influence, yet I can see their influence and so many others' in my work: twombly (unfortunately), dubuffet.

successful painting needs only to satisfy the painting's deepest desires. what the artist wants does not matter; they are simply the vehicle of helping the painting achieve its destiny. 

4/2
it honestly is crazy how non-artists view art. they think it's so simple and always happy. my recent work is far from simple and has caused much anger and frustration. happiness feels more like acceptance. accepting what the work wants instead of what you want. it's so hard to give up that power. but when you do, things get complex but subconsciously simple. you know your process and once you accept it you repeat it. giving up control and expectations leads to achieving the piece. 

4/3
i hate lines in my work. they always mess everything up. they ruin the natural flow of texture and confine it into a space when it does not exist in a confined space.

4/14
when i look at my recent paintings, i only see color. there is nothing beyond color, no rendered objects, just color. the sanding process helps me relinquish control. i can only control how the colors are applied. the colors themselves speak to me and i am simply their vessel. yet, the sander is uncontrollable. i don't know how the painting will look after sanding, the final product that the painting desires to be is fully out of my control. it's insane how much i used to think. i would plan out every single fucking detail. what a waste of time. thinking restricted my color, but it ultimately freed me from thought. i can see others drowning in thought and i see myself in them. professor white said that the longer you look at paintings, the more you just start to see color. i'm seeing that now. it is sort of funny how often i would get frustrated since my paintings did not feel personal. i now realize that that is simply not true. my mood dictates my color choices, how i apply the paint, etc. without my personality and emotions, the painting is not successful as it loses its aura. nobody else paints like i do. my process is unique and worth celebrating.

5/3
i am so proud of myself

6/11
my dream is to live my life as an artist. it's not to be an artist, that i already am. but i want the life of an artist. i am so impatient, but maybe instead of yearning for something that is unachievable right now, i should use that as inspiration to achieve it one day. i know that if i set goals i can work hard and push myself to reach them, so why should this be any different? who cares what people say? if i want to have a life as an artist, i will do exactly such.

i love art so much and i want nothing more than to forever create and absorb as much of it as i can.

6/19
MAYBE U DONT NEED TO COVER EVERY INCH OF THE CANVAS

7/10
stairs and wants

you know, i was this close to turning it over and starting something else instead. but wow am i happy that i didn't. i genuinely felt that i was not focused on the end result, rather the process of rendering the stairs.

7/14
Xploration
Xhuberance

8/28
it's crazy to think that i once thought my work was not personal. my work reflects my process which is ultimately a conversation between myself and the work. because of this, only i understand the full capacity of my painting. i often hate talking about my work with others because describing my process makes it feel quite strange. it feels weird to have to explain the conversation that i had between the piece and i.

9/21 - past midnight
i rly liked my mdf figure sculptures. i want to do them again but paint them better. perhaps on the wall first and then assembled.

9/21 - in the morning
i don't feel good. mentally. but i don't know how to feel better. i rly need to paint.

10/5
i hate when my style changes. i always hate it at first and then grow to love it. i tend to compare it with an artist that i hate, to make it wrong, but i don't know why.

11/3
- automatic
- control?
- duality

11/5
- Xpansion
- reconnXtion

11/6
- raw
- lights behind the paintings to showcase the back?
- entities
- finite
- FINITE ENTITIES

11/7
abstraction by stretching reality, distortion

11/9
- stretch
   - pull: form major
   - twist: form jr

11/23
looked at the note from 9/21 about my mdf sculptures. i accomplished my goal with "STRETCH" and i am very happy. kinda scary to see me do this without directly thinking about or referencing that note.